I thought I was prepared for just about anything before going into the hospital to have our first little one. I had everything ready for when we came home. I had even given myself a pep talk on the “what if’s” – like a c-section, but what I wasn’t prepared for is what can happen after the baby is no longer apart of me.
My Birth Story
We went into the hospital on my due date to be induced, and by 8:33 am the following day via c-section our Ruthie was here. Mind you, I labored for 20 hours before I was told I was going into surgery. After getting all settled back into our room we were trying to master the breastfeeding thing. I’ll be honest, I thought this was like an easy thing moms could do and boy I was wrong. Ruth would scream every time we tried, and I noticed something wasn’t right with her back. Shortly after, we found out our brand new baby had two fractured collar bones. No wonder she wouldn’t latch – she was in pain. The nurses then brought me a pump to at least try my best.
At Home
Now we have made it home. I tried so hard to keep her from nipple confusion and after two lactation consultants visiting my home I was so defeated that I went to strictly pumping. It felt like I was on this crazy 3-4 hour rotation.
Pump + Feed + Burp + Sleep + Repeat….
Let’s be honest. The sleeping never actually happened and the only time I got to hold my baby was for feeding. The rest of the time I felt like a machine while those who were around were the ones getting all the newborn snuggles
Baby Blues
My first few check-ups were fine. I’d tell my doctor everything was GREAT, but then driving home I would just cry. Crying was normal right? Hormones? I told myself this every day because I couldn’t accept that I could have postpartum depression. I was so happy in my life at this point. How could I be depressed? I dreamed of the day I would become a mom…
Then I reached a point where I realized this wasn’t okay. I AM NOT OKAY! At my two month check up my OBGYN came in the room and asked the big question, “How are you doing Haley?” Right there in that chair, with my two-month-old baby in my arms, it happened.
{insert waterworks here}
Everything that had built up inside of my mind and my heart spilled out during that appointment. The guilt and anxiousness finally felt like someone had lifted a weight off my shoulders. She sat to chat with me, probably longer than what her schedule appointment time with me was, to explain to me the symptoms of what they call the “baby blues.” In just those minutes of finally letting someone in to explain how I was really feeling changed everything for me as a mom at that point, and my number one trigger was trying to keep up with my pumped milk supply to feed my daughter. Ladies, I could not do it. There was no lactation cookie recipe that was going to take away my guilt and depression.
Once I got home that day I took my doctor’s orders to start the process of slowing my supply and transitioning her into formula. Thankfully Ruth transitioned really well to the switch from breastmilk to formula and I started enjoying my new-mom life. I am about to be real with you, those first two months I felt like a prisoner in my own body because I didn’t know how I should feel. It was breaking my heart to not be able to do the one thing I thought every mom could just do – breastfeeding.
Everyone’s breastfeeding journey is different. Some last five minutes and some last two years, but guess what – that is okay. At the end of the day a feed baby is a healthy baby, right?
Don’t ever feel guilty, because your little one needs you no matter if you’re a breastfeeding mom or a formula mom. Let me tell you something, my daughter loves me just the same.
I hope this helps at least one mom out there struggling. We are here for you!
