Missing deadlines. Losing clients. The house is a disaster.
The feeling of failure hits the hardest in the afternoon. My head spins day after day and I can’t turn my brain off. I long for bedtime so I can escape the real world for a few hours.
Does this sound familiar?
You’ve just been inside my head and I’m sure there are plenty of you out there who have had similar feelings. Maybe, like me, you still do.
According to the World Health Organization, roughly 10% of pregnant women and 13% of women who have just given birth, experience some type of mental disorder. That number is even higher in developing countries.
This isn’t surprising considering what the body goes through before, during, and after giving birth. Your hormones are all over the place and your entire body is out of whack. Now pair that with existing mental health problems and your just a big pile of mess.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and self-doubt for as long as I can remember. While I feel like I’ve come a long way, transitioning into momhood to two girls has certainly made me backtrack a bit. I know nobody is perfect, but not staying on top of things makes me feel like I don’t deserve what I have.
Anxiety is a funny thing, that way.
Don’t get me wrong, the good days are good. Like…. REALLY good. However, after two days of absolute optimism, the bad days hit you like a sack of bricks. Cue the spiral. Instead of doing what needs to be done, I choose what’s easy.
Of course, this makes things worse, but that doesn’t matter. Doing easy feels good in the moment, right?
It takes all but minutes for remorse to set in and the second I look into my daughters’ eyes, I melt in the worst way. When your kids look at you like you’re some divine being, it’s gut-wrenching to know you don’t actually live up to those expectations.
Imagine how it would feel to find out the one person you love more than anyone else on Earth was a total fraud. Now imagine seeing that feeling in the eyes of a child. That is my day-to-day. My constant worry that I won’t be good enough for my girls.
Getting better is a process and it’s hard. As difficult as it may be, it’s absolutely necessary. If not for myself than for my girls because God forbid, they grow up and feel this way too.
So how do I break this cycle?
This year, I’ve made goals because people are always working toward something. One of my biggest goals for the year has been to focus on my mental health.
I need to learn how to quiet my mind and keep it from going 8,000 miles per minute. I have to be grateful for the present moment and let go of past mistakes. I need to forgive myself.
I. Am. Forgiven.