The Struggles I Didn’t See During My Infertility Journey

You know, for years I spent admiring + envying other moms. There is something about seeing a woman pregnant that still to this day brings tears to my eyes. To me, it was a beautiful + unexplainable experience and I was told I would never have it. For two and a half years of my life, I spent in my own infertility bubble. When I say my “own” I mean I was alone in that bubble.

Hold on, let me explain. Do not get me wrong I had plenty of support between friends + family + my husband, but it was like I had tunnel vision right into my own pity party. Table for 1, please… I won’t lie to you – I was miserable. This red tornado of problems followed me everywhere and I started to hate everything I loved. Yes, that included my husband.

All eyes were on me all the time. I was getting told all the things couples struggling with infertility DO NOT want to hear.

“How are you doing? You know, with everything…?” – ME: tears

“You know there are more options…?” – ME: Wow there is? I had no idea {insert eye roll}

Oh and here is my favorite, “It will happen when it HAPPENS, sweetie.” ME: I feel like you can just imagine here for a minute on my reaction.

Looking back I have some regrets. Okay, a lot of regrets but my biggest regret is not being there more for my husband. Honestly, my hate wasn’t really hate. It was because I was jealous of him. He tested perfectly healthy and I didn’t. He could go out with his friends and I wasn’t. He never had to take the medicine or injections…and I did. He never suffered the mood swings… {haha I was a whole other person thanks to hormones and let’s be honest he totally suffered the mood swings.} Not to mention the biggest way to “connect” with your husband was now “scheduled.”

Through my eyes, all I could see was he was over in his bubble living his life, whereas, mine was on hold. Wow, was I wrong. Let me tell you something about men. Their superpower is holding their emotional-self in and being incredibly good at it. I was so focused on myself that I never saw the struggles of infertility that were hidden behind my partner.

In the middle of the storm, he kept me grounded.

I am notorious for asking him, “What’s wrong?” Ha – he gets annoyed probably in the asking, but now I have made it my marital mission to never let his emotions go unnoticed. Looking back, he really struggled the hardest. I wore my feelings on the outside, but he held them all in his heart.

He came to 90% of my doctor’s appointment and let me cry all the way home. He did my injections in our kitchen because I have a fear of needles. He sat there while I was emotional out of control due to the medication and let me cry it out. He had the hardest job of all. Watching his partner fall apart praying for ways to pick up the pieces.

Some will say this process may have broken their marriage. For us it definitely had its moments but if anything we learned more about each other in those tough moments than we had in our entire relationship. Without the struggle, it wouldn’t make what we have together as special and that includes our 17-month-old daughter Ruth.

If you take anything away from this make it be this. Be patient with your partner during your infertility journey. You may be open in your struggles, but they may not be. Give them love, patience, and space. It will help you too I promise. You find a whole new version of love and it only gets better when they become dads.