Some things about being a mom are hard to talk about. Some topics are just difficult to bring up and discuss. For me that topic is the decision to have another baby.
My husband and I tried for almost 6 years to get pregnant with our first. After several trips to specialists and different doctors, we made the decision to let be what was meant to be and not seek further treatment or help with the process. At that point, we were told we had less that a 5% chance of getting pregnant.
Now, a little back story. We have been married almost 7 years (HOLY CRAP) and the day I became a wife, I also became a bonus mom to the most amazing twins ever. They are now 13 years old and I have known them and been in their lives since they were 4. My husband always talked about having kids together, as I had always wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to experience everything that goes along with pregnancy, I wanted to birth story, and I wanted to have the blended family. It didn’t happen for us for a long time… we thought it would never happen.
I remember so clearly a conversation I had with my husband where we discussed our situation. I was upset finding out again that I was not pregnant that month and was just overall feeling defeated. He gave me a hug and we talked about the reality of our situation. We already had a great family… great kids, the best dog, and each other. If this is how it was meant to be, we were good with it. We already had it all.
The go to advice I received when I was trying to get pregnant was “just stop thinking about it and it will happen like that”. Thank you, but no, that is not a thing. It may be for some, but for us that was clearly not the case. We stopped thinking about it and it still didn’t happen. Hell, we had all but stopped even talking about it.
BOOM – Christmas Eve 2018… IM PREGNANT!!! Hello miracle baby!
BOOM – August 3rd 2019… IM OFFICIALLY A MOMMY!!! After a crazy 4 day labor and delivery!
Life was great. Our son is the greatest miracle we could have ever wished for and at 19 months old he just gets better and better. I often lay in bed at night, staring at that monitor on my nightstand and wonder what I ever did to be so lucky. How was I so blessed with this little boy, this perfect family, this amazing life?
So here we are…. Our perfect little crazy life…. I’m over here relishing in all its glory and people start asking when baby #2 will be on the way. I get it. It is a normal, natural question. It makes me think, though, do we want baby #2? Do I want baby #2? The answer… HELL YES I DO! The hesitation… the total terror and anxiety that goes with it.
It took us 6 years to get our son, what if it takes that long again? My husband I aren’t getting any younger and there are added complications and/or concerns when you get a little older. I know many of you will understand when I say that the process of trying to get pregnant and it not happening is a gut wrenching, throat punch feeling. I lived that world for 6 years, am I strong enough to do it again? It may never happen again. Am I okay with that?
I did not have an easy labor and delivery with my little guy. After being induced at 36 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, 2 days of various induction methods, 5 hours of active labor and pushing, and an emergency c-section later, our baby was here. He was perfect, we were both healthy. My doctor told me that my body needed at least 12-18 months to recover and repair from the pregnancy and that another baby, while possible, should wait at least 2 years.
Full disclosure, the thought of having another baby does make me a little nervous. My body didn’t handle it all that well the first time around. Thankfully, it all was okay and we are both here and healthy but it is still a scary thought.
The love and bond between a mom and her child is something that is profoundly deep and freakishly intense. I love my little boy in a way I never thought possible. It is me and him through it all. Our family of 5 is my whole heart. Sometimes I wonder if I can love another one the same way. My mom tells me that is a normal feeling and duh, of course its possible. She loves me and my sister at the same time, right? I mean, at least I hope so because I am the youngest and would be the less loved. (I joke, I joke).
I know I would love baby #2 the same its just a very weird feeling for me right now.
There are so many thoughts I have circling this one question people have started asking. The funny thing is my husband and I haven’t even seriously discussed it yet. Here I am, overthinking to the max, worrying about the mom I am now, the mom I will potentially be to future Rasar children, and how I would fit another kiddo in our house.
People are going to keep asking me that question about a second child. I want them to…. And when I’m ready, ill answer them.
I am beyond blessed. I have a great family. I try everyday not to take it for granted and to be thankful and humble always. I think it is important for mamas out there to realize that no matter what the situation is for you personally, the decision you make will be the right one. Know that there are other moms that are having the same crazy thoughts and concerns, they are overanalyzing and over thinking, and they are feeling alone too.
Let’s not be alone anymore.
Keep overthinking… keep overanalyzing, be the crazy mama… that is what I’m going to do. That’s what makes me the mom I am. The decisions will come…..