Motherhood. It’s something many girls dream of from a very young age. The thing is, no one warns you that your dream of being a mom, may not be so easy. Nope, there isn’t just a watermelon seed that you swallow and viola-you’re pregnant! (That’s what my mom used to tell me.) If only it were that easy, right?
For my husband and me, it was far beyond easy. After 8 months of trying, we decided to go to a fertility specialist. Looking back, this experience was all a blur. A couple of things that I will never be able to forget are the feelings and emotions I experienced during this time. The guilt. The worry. The anxiety. The hope. The disappointment. The hurt. The excitement. So let me take you on a quick ride of this emotional rollercoaster.
First, the guilt.
What had I done to my body to not be able to bear children? This was totally my fault. Was I running too much? Maybe it was that I wasn’t eating healthy. I know, it had to be because I was on birth control for 10 years. What was wrong with me?
Next, the worry.
Anyone that’s gone through fertility treatment knows there is SO much testing to be done in the beginning. Painful testing. I remember laying on doctor bed after doctor bed, not knowing how long this will take or if it will even work.
With worry comes anxiety. That part when you’re on the rollercoaster and you’re getting ready to go up that hill and you have no idea what to expect. I had anxiety around testing. I had anxiety around the uncertainty of the future. Also not to mention, anxiety around the fact that I had to wake up and be out the door by 6:00 a.m 2-3 times a week so I could go track the growth of my follicles and then had to rush to get to my teaching job in hopes that I didn’t hit lovely DC traffic because no one at my work knew I was going through this and I didn’t want to have to explain why I was late.
Then finally the hope.
We were at a point where we were ready to try. I remember laughing when the nurse told me, “Ok, you’re ready to get romantic with your man.” I’m sorry, but what is romantic about someone telling you exactly when you need to be “romantic” and having your husband give you a shot beforehand? Not my definition of romantic. But all that to say, we were hopeful.
Waiting those few weeks feels like an eternity but finally, it’s time to take that pregnancy test. That test that is so simple but so emotionally draining. Will this be the day that I see those two pink lines? Or will it just be another test in the trash? And there it is-one pink line. In floods overwhelming disappointment and sadness. I have to wait another month again? I’ve been waiting. When will this happen for us?
Fast forward a couple of more months and right when I really started to lose all hope, ready to throw away another test, those 2 pink lines showed up. The joy and happiness I felt was unlike anything I had ever experienced. We had been trying so hard for what seemed so long and there they were. Those two pink lines. I was finally at the bottom of the fertility rollercoaster, now ready for the rollercoaster of motherhood.
This is just a snippet of my journey. Everyone’s infertility is different and fragile. If you’re going through the same thing, my heart goes out to you. Take it day by day; journal and focus on what you CAN control. Much love, mama.
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