I’m Touched Out

Physical touch.

It’s one of the five love languages. But it’s definitely not mine. I’m a stay at home mom to 4 kids, and because of COVID and virtual schooling, they have been home basically all year.

And honestly, I’m touched out.

My third child has always been clingy and my youngest is still breastfeeding. Even as I sit here writing this, my three year old is trying to climb into my lap. Sometimes I want to be able to finally sit down on the couch by myself. But it seems like any time I do get to sit down, I have a kid crawling on top of me, asking to nurse or just simply wanting to watch TV while sitting in my lap. Then there’s the puppy, who is 45 pounds and swears he’s a lap dog.

Some days it’s too much, and I feel guilty.

I know that one day they won’t want to cuddle. They won’t want to sit with me just because. And my youngest will, one day soon, be done breastfeeding. I’ve seen it with my older two. They don’t come sit on my lap anymore. They very rarely even sit close to me without wanting something. So I know that will come with the younger two. That should make me sad, and a year ago it probably would have. But sometimes, I feel that day can’t come soon enough.

But it’s not just the kids.

At the end of most days, when my husband comes home, the last thing I want is for him to touch me. Once again, I feel guilty. I want to be affectionate, but I also don’t want anyone else to touch me. I absolutely love him, but sometimes his touch is overwhelming to me.

I know this feeling won’t last forever.

I have to remind myself that it’s okay to step away. Taking some time to myself is so important for my mental health. Sometimes that means going over to a friend’s house, or going to Target to grab a few necessities. Even just a quick shower with no interruptions can be healing for me. I’ve found that time away from the kids makes me a better mom when I come back.

Find what works for you.

If you’re feeling touched out, just know you’re not alone. Give yourself grace. Reach out to a friend. Talk to your significant other about how you’re feeling. We’re in the middle of a pandemic and life isn’t normal right now. This is just a phase. And this, too, will pass.